youcantdate.com

Today I want to tell you about the thing I like best in the whole dating game, or even, what is one of my favorite things in life. And for once, this is something that is actually easy to accomplish. You may even say… it’s all you need to learn.

All too often, a pickup attempt seems forced. Or just meeting someone, calling them, asking someone out. It seems you have to do all the work, all the convincing. And at other times, it may be the other way around: someone else seems to be really into you for some reason - but you’re just not interested. Well, allright, you may go on a date, but on a certain level you’re just going trough the motions.

But every once in a while, you meet someone and it just clicks. It almost makes you believe in magic: everything just works. Talking goes effortless. You feel at ease, comfortable, but also you’re “on”. You’re funnier, more eloquent… better looking even than before. And the same seems to be happening for her: she enjoys talking to you, and she doesn’t seem to be able to stop smiling.

This, I think, is what you should aim for. Pickup is lame, and reading books on dating (or websites) is even lamer. I mean, come on: don’t you agree? But the whole point is, is to feel more comfortable, go out there and meet more people. Improve your chances of finding the girl that really suits you, where everything just works.

And wow: that makes stuff just so much easier. Stop chasing that one girl: she’s not into you, forget it. Just tell the other girl chasing you that: “sorry: it’s not going to work”. Maybe having a relationship is supposed to be hard work at times; meeting people shouldn’t be.

So there you go: search for a perfect match, search for chemistry. It should be effortless. The only thing where you really need to go out of your comfort zone is in going out there and meeting people, but not in learning pickup skills.

Oh, there’s so many rules, right? Don’t call within 3 days, don’t tell her you love her, don’t use an uneven number of words in a text message. Oh, aren’t we all little autistic scientists here, inventing the dating game?

A rule that hasn’t been well established (if I look at the search traffic to this site) is whether you should reply to an online message right away, or wait a while. If you’re looking for a quick answer: send a reply NOW. If you don’t want to come across too eager, tune the message, not the timing.

Why? Practicalities, really. First of all, online dating is a girl’s game. They choose. There’s no way around that. You send her a message, she chooses to reply. And, the odds are usually against you, as the cute girls get a lot of messages each day. Once you get a reply, keep the momentum going by replying straight away - right after you read the message.

Just to make one thing clear: I don’t mean, keep logged in all day and reply straight after a message arrives. That is just dorky. But if you happen to be online, there’s no reason not to reply straight away.

Secondly, ‘playing it cool’ doesn’t really work online. I don’t know what it is, but it doesn’t come across. Also, if first you send a message to her, and then all of a sudden start acting all disinterested and “I don’t care” - it won’t work.

And finally: a quick reply will make the correspondence more into a dialog, getting a quick reply back is more likely. You’re establishing trust, and all that.

So there you have it. Rule #3291.2: Thou shalt reply to an online dating message straight after reading it, especially if said message is a reply to the initial message that you sent.

The key thing about connecting with strangers is being present - not only physically (duh), but mentally. If you’re anything like me, you’re very likely to be just lost in thoughts half of the day. I may be at the train station, but in my mind I’m somewhere else.

There’s no way you can make a converstation with someone if you’re somewhere else in your mind. What I like to do to be more ‘in the moment’ and be more present, is to start with observing much more closely. Are you ever stunned by what kind of stuff kids seem to notice? They’re much less self-aware, and much more living in the right then and there.

I sometimes like to make it into a little game: imagine that tomorrow you’ll be questioned by the police about what you saw today. What were people wearing, where were you standing exactly, what time was it, what did you notice, what were people doing.

“Ok, but what’s the point with regard to dating?”, you may wonder. Right. Well, once you’re present and observing, think about conversation starters. Observations are always good conversation starters - less personal and intrusive if they’re about the surroundings (”wow, a Ferrari”), more intimate as you make them more personal (”love your unicorn t-shirt”). Turn them into questions that show your knowledge (”you wouldn’t say this place was built in 1912, would you? It looks so modern”), or playful (”how’d you know I like cornflakes for breakfast?”). And they’re the basis for another important thing: making honest compliments.

Being more mindfull, present, in-the-moment - it all sounds very nana-nunu, but it all starts with being a good observer.

Then besides the small talk and the picking up - being observant while on a date is even more important! She picks the Italian red wine - why? Did she go there on holiday? She wears bright red, old-fashioned earrings - nice, does she like antiques? Or did her gran gave her those? She’s looking at that painting, does she like it?

Then remember those things! Next date: Italian restaurant. Antiques shop, museum for modern art. Girls love this kind of thoughtfulness! And it all starts with being observant, the rest comes naturally.

It all sounds very basic, and of course it is, but lots of guys are more busy in their minds with how they come across, or what they should say next, or what she’s thinking right now, that they miss half the date. First of all, these thoughts are useless, and secondly, they make you a very boring date.

I love this dialogue. Kurt Russel as Stuntman Mike in Death Proof.

Not to over-analyze this stuff, but check out the story-telling, the emotional detachment (well, he is a psycho killer after all) , the ‘I know how you work’ and the challenging.

(here’s the amazon link)

It depends. First of all, on your personality and phase in life, and how that relates to hers. Then it depends on what others will think of it. But well, that doesn’t really help does it? What we need science, bitches: some math. Barnabus Stinson delivers: I just picked up “The Bro Code” - (a hugely funny book by the way):

(click pic to go to amazon for details)

And Barnabus Stinson brings it back to a simple mathematical formula:

Well, there you go. So if you’re 28, 21 is the minimum age for a girl you can hit on. Problem solved, right? Good stuff.

Tom Waits hitting on a HOT chick at a party. Watch and learn. It does not get better than this.

(pic links to youtube video)

Waits: “You know I’m a doctor”

Waits: “I do, ah… laser hair removal, I do… acupuncture, I do… aromatherapy, that type of thing”

Waits: “Would you like something sweet?” (offers sweets) “Go ahead, take one”

Waits: “Wadda ya say we… go back to your place and eh… talk?”

Hot babe: “My roommate’s there”

Waits: “Bonus.”

Hot babe: “You’re a rascal” … winks.

Posted a new article today: How to FAIL at dating. Guys who try to get better at picking up girls usually fail because of these few reasons. My point is that if you get the important things right, the rest doesn’t really matter. Focus first on meeting more girls, be comfortable at approaching them, radiate some attractiveness, look your best, ask her phone number and call her for a date. Don’t focus too much on technique and details like “don’t call within 3 days”, “don’t ask, but demand a phone number”, “Lean-in to magically create attraction”, and all that shit.

Those things may make some sense, but it makes much more sense, and will get you much more results if you first get the basics right. Then you can either forget about the details and just do you thing (which I recommend), or go all out and read every pickup book ever written.

I must admit I have been a bit reluctant to write about appearances. I don’t want this blog to turn into a male version of Cosmopolitan and all. It’s an important subject though, and it will improve your game. I’ll thus keep it short and to the point.

Looking good is quite easy for guys. Yet at the same time, most get it completely wrong. Bad haircuts, smelly breath, ill-fitting clothes in just the wrong color. Lets just say it doesn’t help. The point is, I think, to make sure your appearance compliments your personality. To get it right means paying attention to some points, making a choice that suits you, and then get on with your life. Here’s the basics.

Clothes

Being well-dressed comes down to paying attention to color, proportion and patterns. Clothes should fit you well and be in colors that match you. Colors look different on different people, and paying attention to which colors suit you makes shopping a lot easier. Here’s a book I recommend, it helps you determine what your color scheme is and what kind of stuff then suits you:

(click on pic for amazon details)

The book also helps you determine what kind of clothes best suit your figure. Should you tuck your shirt in or not? It’s all about proportion, and once you’ve seen how this works, you’ll wonder how you ever missed it.

The first piece of clothing to buy, if you don’t have it already, is a well-fitted (tailored) white shirt. The best are made by Thomas Pink, but really, you can’t go wrong with a white shirt.

Fashion is important for girls. Paying attention to clothes yourself will make it easier to notice what a girl is wearing, and what it says about her. Extravagantly, sexy, simple, black and white, lot’s of accessories or not, creative or standard, well fitted or careless. Commenting on clothes as a conversation starter can work very well. It shows you pay attention to these things, and works as a compliment.

For further reading, pick up an Esquire every now and then, or read books like “Dressing the Man”, “Men’s Style” or Esquire’s “The Handbook of Style”.

(click on pictures for amazon details)

Grooming:

It all comes down to paying attention to the little things. Make sure your hair looks good - don’t use too much gel or wax, make sure it’s touchable without having to wash your hands. Get a haircut and ask for advice. Catch some sunshine if your skin is very white. If you wear glasses, do they look cool? Think about getting contact lenses - you can get daily contact lenses now which are no hassle and are very cheap as well. Check out your face from up close - do you look healthy? Remove excess hair, eat healthy, see a dermatologist if you have serious problems.

Make sure you smell nice - get some nice eau de toilette, but don’t use a lot of it. Anything by Hugo Boss or Armani I can recommend. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash, don’t eat smelly food before you go out.

Posture

Finally, posture. Everybody knows good posture is important and shows confidence, so I’m not going to repeat it here. Oh shit, I just did. Well, look it up, pay attention and fix your posture once and for all.

Getting this stuff right is really easy, it’s no rocket surgery or anything, and it doesn’t have to cost a lot of time or money. It will improve your life in many ways: looking well-groomed and well-dressed has a positive effect on many aspects of life.

This post is about one of the worst things you can see happening in a club: the dancing boy circle. It happens when some guys go to the dancefloor, and since they didn’t approach any girls, start dancing, talking together… which creates the most horrible thing in pickup. I drew you a picture:

Now imagine how it comes across to one of the girls when one of the guys goes up to them for a chat. “Oh right, he finally mustered the courage to come up to me, encouraged by his friends”. You start with -10 points, guaranteed.

There’s two things you can do if, for some reason, you end up in a DBC. One: open up the DBC by chatting to some girls - while you’re in the DBC. Two: leave, take a walk around, and then approach a girl (so you’re not directly coming from the group.

Best of course is to make sure you never end up in a DBC, but still.

Why learn to be better at relationships, go on dates and learn to pick up girls? It’s a lot of effort, takes time and money, and it won’t be easy.

To me, learning new social skills is about the most valuable thing I ever did. Being able to easily connect to strangers makes boring things like going on a plane or train into opportunities to get to know new people, hear different ideas and opinions and learn new things. Being able to connect to people makes resolving or avoiding all sorts of conflicts much easier.It’s a skill that makes so much more possible, gives you so much freedom, it’s amazing.

And that’s just learning better social skills. Being better at dating and meeting girls is, well, even more rewarding. If you’re not very good at it, you are putting your chances of finding an awesome girl into the hands of fate. And even if fate would put the girl of your dreams on your doorstep, you’d probably not know what to say, wet your pants and screw up alltogether.

Fair enough: most people don’t suck at this stuff. They get by, they do ok. But that’s like saying your transportation skills are ‘ok’ once you’ve learned how to walk. Yeah, in principle, that’ll get you anywhere. But being great: learning to drive a car, fly a plane - there’s a big difference.

Imagine what great social skills will bring you. Less misunderstandings and arguments. More fun during the day. More genuine connections with people around you. A better understanding of other people. And: having lots of fun in meeting girls.

This is not just about being the cool guy in a bar, chatting up some random blonde. This is about learning skills that basically everybody should have, and will be extremely valuable troughout your life, not just in dating supermodels.