youcantdate.com

The simple things can sometimes seem the most difficult. Talking to someone, how hard can it be? Yet everybody knows the feeling where you’re in a bar or a club, or whatever – in the supermarket, and you see someone that looks cool. If only you can say something smart, funny – anything – to start the conversation. Yet – you can’t think of anything, and well, the moment passes and another day goes by.

How great would it be to overcome this problem, this stupid approach anxiety?

Ok, I’m not going to lie to you: this is not going to be easy. But it is going to be a lot of fun. The thing that you have to keep in mind: you’re not learning anything new here. You can talk to people. You know stuff to talk about. You have stuff that interests you. And you can ask questions – where do you come from, do you like it here, etc. And you have your eyes, you can notice something!

So – keep this in mind – it’s not that you don’t know anything to talk about, it’s your mind and your anxiety telling you that your can’t think of anything. Makes you afraid to make a fool out of yourself.

To get over this barrier, I know only one way. Just walk up to someone, and say something. Don’t think about it, just say something.

And oh: you will make a fool out of yourself. I’ve said some things that made people doubt my sanity. I’ve literally had girls tell my friends that I was only talking crap (it inadvertently worked as a good wingman move). I’ve probably insulted hundreds of people in the process. But I can tell you – the method works. It turns out, usually you’ll say something that makes enough sense to start the conversation. And if not, well, either make up and apologize, or laugh about it.

At some point, you won’t even think twice about what to say to someone. I often amaze myself with the things I think of, without thinking about it. It’s fun, it’s creative, and I am as amazed as she is with the stuff that I come up with!

Hope you have a lot of fun practicing, and laughing about making a fool out of yourself.

A few weeks ago I was reading Outliers: The Story of Successby Malcolm Gladwell. It’s an interesting book in many ways, but of course now I want to talk about how it applies to dating.

Basically the book tries to find out why certain people have become outliers; exceptionally successful. For instance, it goes into the success of the Beatles, ice hockey players and classical musicians. Next to individual cases, the book also goes into the question why certain groups of people are especially successful – all the mayor players at computer companies, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer, are about the same age.

The most important thing they all have in common, is the amount of practice they had. The magic number that comes up time after time, is 10.000 hours of practice before anyone can become a real world-class expert. This number comes back all the time – from concert pianists to programmers.

The fact that you actually need practice, is something we seem to forget in dating. You either ‘have it’, or you don’t, and that’s it. But really, that’s nonsense – anyone can learn this, you just need to go out there and try.

“But…”, you may say – there’s definitely people to whom it seems to come naturally; they have a certain talent for making contact and flirty conversation. But think about it – how did they learn that? In my experience, these kind of people usually were brought up in some kind of circumstance that made them practice earlier on in life. Maybe their parents had lots of friends, so they met lots of new kids all the time. Maybe they travelled a lot; had long holidays or lived in a neighborhood  with a lot of different kids.

In the book, Malcolm Gladwell keeps finding these circumstances which helped someone get a lot of practice in the area in which they became successful.

So, if you want to get better in dating and meeting people, go out and practice. You will need to get out of that comfort zone and away from the computer. Find ways to meet more strangers, and practice small talk and create a conversation that is engaging for the other person.

Finally – this is a fun book to start practicing small talk:

Today I want to tell you about the thing I like best in the whole dating game, or even, what is one of my favorite things in life. And for once, this is something that is actually easy to accomplish. You may even say… it’s all you need to learn.

All too often, a pickup attempt seems forced. Or just meeting someone, calling them, asking someone out. It seems you have to do all the work, all the convincing. And at other times, it may be the other way around: someone else seems to be really into you for some reason – but you’re just not interested. Well, allright, you may go on a date, but on a certain level you’re just going trough the motions.

But every once in a while, you meet someone and it just clicks. It almost makes you believe in magic: everything just works. Talking goes effortless. You feel at ease, comfortable, but also you’re “on”. You’re funnier, more eloquent… better looking even than before. And the same seems to be happening for her: she enjoys talking to you, and she doesn’t seem to be able to stop smiling.

This, I think, is what you should aim for. Pickup is lame, and reading books on dating (or websites) is even lamer. I mean, come on: don’t you agree? But the whole point is, is to feel more comfortable, go out there and meet more people. Improve your chances of finding the girl that really suits you, where everything just works.

And wow: that makes stuff just so much easier. Stop chasing that one girl: she’s not into you, forget it. Just tell the other girl chasing you that: “sorry: it’s not going to work”. Maybe having a relationship is supposed to be hard work at times; meeting people shouldn’t be.

So there you go: search for a perfect match, search for chemistry. It should be effortless. The only thing where you really need to go out of your comfort zone is in going out there and meeting people, but not in learning pickup skills.

Oh, there’s so many rules, right? Don’t call within 3 days, don’t tell her you love her, don’t use an uneven number of words in a text message. Oh, aren’t we all little autistic scientists here, inventing the dating game?

A rule that hasn’t been well established (if I look at the search traffic to this site) is whether you should reply to an online message right away, or wait a while. If you’re looking for a quick answer: send a reply NOW. If you don’t want to come across too eager, tune the message, not the timing.

Why? Practicalities, really. First of all, online dating is a girl’s game. They choose. There’s no way around that. You send her a message, she chooses to reply. And, the odds are usually against you, as the cute girls get a lot of messages each day. Once you get a reply, keep the momentum going by replying straight away – right after you read the message.

Just to make one thing clear: I don’t mean, keep logged in all day and reply straight after a message arrives. That is just dorky. But if you happen to be online, there’s no reason not to reply straight away.

Secondly, ‘playing it cool’ doesn’t really work online. I don’t know what it is, but it doesn’t come across. Also, if first you send a message to her, and then all of a sudden start acting all disinterested and “I don’t care” – it won’t work.

And finally: a quick reply will make the correspondence more into a dialog, getting a quick reply back is more likely. You’re establishing trust, and all that.

So there you have it. Rule #3291.2: Thou shalt reply to an online dating message straight after reading it, especially if said message is a reply to the initial message that you sent.

The key thing about connecting with strangers is being present – not only physically (duh), but mentally. If you’re anything like me, you’re very likely to be just lost in thoughts half of the day. I may be at the train station, but in my mind I’m somewhere else.

There’s no way you can make a converstation with someone if you’re somewhere else in your mind. What I like to do to be more ‘in the moment’ and be more present, is to start with observing much more closely. Are you ever stunned by what kind of stuff kids seem to notice? They’re much less self-aware, and much more living in the right then and there.

I sometimes like to make it into a little game: imagine that tomorrow you’ll be questioned by the police about what you saw today. What were people wearing, where were you standing exactly, what time was it, what did you notice, what were people doing.

“Ok, but what’s the point with regard to dating?”, you may wonder. Right. Well, once you’re present and observing, think about conversation starters. Observations are always good conversation starters – less personal and intrusive if they’re about the surroundings (“wow, a Ferrari”), more intimate as you make them more personal (“love your unicorn t-shirt”). Turn them into questions that show your knowledge (“you wouldn’t say this place was built in 1912, would you? It looks so modern”), or playful (“how’d you know I like cornflakes for breakfast?”). And they’re the basis for another important thing: making honest compliments.

Being more mindfull, present, in-the-moment – it all sounds very nana-nunu, but it all starts with being a good observer.

Then besides the small talk and the picking up – being observant while on a date is even more important! She picks the Italian red wine – why? Did she go there on holiday? She wears bright red, old-fashioned earrings – nice, does she like antiques? Or did her gran gave her those? She’s looking at that painting, does she like it?

Then remember those things! Next date: Italian restaurant. Antiques shop, museum for modern art. Girls love this kind of thoughtfulness! And it all starts with being observant, the rest comes naturally.

It all sounds very basic, and of course it is, but lots of guys are more busy in their minds with how they come across, or what they should say next, or what she’s thinking right now, that they miss half the date. First of all, these thoughts are useless, and secondly, they make you a very boring date.

I love this dialogue. Kurt Russel as Stuntman Mike in Death Proof.

Not to over-analyze this stuff, but check out the story-telling, the emotional detachment (well, he is a psycho killer after all) , the ‘I know how you work’ and the challenging.

(here’s the amazon link)

It depends. First of all, on your personality and phase in life, and how that relates to hers. Then it depends on what others will think of it. But well, that doesn’t really help does it? What we need science, bitches: some math. Barnabus Stinson delivers: I just picked up “The Bro Code” – (a hugely funny book by the way):

(click pic to go to amazon for details)

And Barnabus Stinson brings it back to a simple mathematical formula:

Well, there you go. So if you’re 28, 21 is the minimum age for a girl you can hit on. Problem solved, right? Good stuff.

Tom Waits hitting on a HOT chick at a party. Watch and learn. It does not get better than this.

(pic links to youtube video)

Waits: “You know I’m a doctor”

Waits: “I do, ah… laser hair removal, I do… acupuncture, I do… aromatherapy, that type of thing”

Waits: “Would you like something sweet?” (offers sweets) “Go ahead, take one”

Waits: “Wadda ya say we… go back to your place and eh… talk?”

Hot babe: “My roommate’s there”

Waits: “Bonus.”

Hot babe: “You’re a rascal” … winks.

Posted a new article today: How to FAIL at dating. Guys who try to get better at picking up girls usually fail because of these few reasons. My point is that if you get the important things right, the rest doesn’t really matter. Focus first on meeting more girls, be comfortable at approaching them, radiate some attractiveness, look your best, ask her phone number and call her for a date. Don’t focus too much on technique and details like “don’t call within 3 days”, “don’t ask, but demand a phone number”, “Lean-in to magically create attraction”, and all that shit.

Those things may make some sense, but it makes much more sense, and will get you much more results if you first get the basics right. Then you can either forget about the details and just do you thing (which I recommend), or go all out and read every pickup book ever written.

I must admit I have been a bit reluctant to write about appearances. I don’t want this blog to turn into a male version of Cosmopolitan and all. It’s an important subject though, and it will improve your game. I’ll thus keep it short and to the point.

Looking good is quite easy for guys. Yet at the same time, most get it completely wrong. Bad haircuts, smelly breath, ill-fitting clothes in just the wrong color. Lets just say it doesn’t help. The point is, I think, to make sure your appearance compliments your personality. To get it right means paying attention to some points, making a choice that suits you, and then get on with your life. Here’s the basics.

Clothes

Being well-dressed comes down to paying attention to color, proportion and patterns. Clothes should fit you well and be in colors that match you. Colors look different on different people, and paying attention to which colors suit you makes shopping a lot easier. Here’s a book I recommend, it helps you determine what your color scheme is and what kind of stuff then suits you:

(click on pic for amazon details)

The book also helps you determine what kind of clothes best suit your figure. Should you tuck your shirt in or not? It’s all about proportion, and once you’ve seen how this works, you’ll wonder how you ever missed it.

The first piece of clothing to buy, if you don’t have it already, is a well-fitted (tailored) white shirt. The best are made by Thomas Pink, but really, you can’t go wrong with a white shirt.

Fashion is important for girls. Paying attention to clothes yourself will make it easier to notice what a girl is wearing, and what it says about her. Extravagantly, sexy, simple, black and white, lot’s of accessories or not, creative or standard, well fitted or careless. Commenting on clothes as a conversation starter can work very well. It shows you pay attention to these things, and works as a compliment.

For further reading, pick up an Esquire every now and then, or read books like “Dressing the Man”, “Men’s Style” or Esquire’s “The Handbook of Style”.

(click on pictures for amazon details)

Grooming:

It all comes down to paying attention to the little things. Make sure your hair looks good – don’t use too much gel or wax, make sure it’s touchable without having to wash your hands. Get a haircut and ask for advice. Catch some sunshine if your skin is very white. If you wear glasses, do they look cool? Think about getting contact lenses – you can get daily contact lenses now which are no hassle and are very cheap as well. Check out your face from up close – do you look healthy? Remove excess hair, eat healthy, see a dermatologist if you have serious problems.

Make sure you smell nice – get some nice eau de toilette, but don’t use a lot of it. Anything by Hugo Boss or Armani I can recommend. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash, don’t eat smelly food before you go out.

Posture

Finally, posture. Everybody knows good posture is important and shows confidence, so I’m not going to repeat it here. Oh shit, I just did. Well, look it up, pay attention and fix your posture once and for all.

Getting this stuff right is really easy, it’s no rocket surgery or anything, and it doesn’t have to cost a lot of time or money. It will improve your life in many ways: looking well-groomed and well-dressed has a positive effect on many aspects of life.