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The simple things can sometimes seem the most difficult. Talking to someone, how hard can it be? Yet everybody knows the feeling where you’re in a bar or a club, or whatever – in the supermarket, and you see someone that looks cool. If only you can say something smart, funny – anything – to start the conversation. Yet – you can’t think of anything, and well, the moment passes and another day goes by.

How great would it be to overcome this problem, this stupid approach anxiety?

Ok, I’m not going to lie to you: this is not going to be easy. But it is going to be a lot of fun. The thing that you have to keep in mind: you’re not learning anything new here. You can talk to people. You know stuff to talk about. You have stuff that interests you. And you can ask questions – where do you come from, do you like it here, etc. And you have your eyes, you can notice something!

So – keep this in mind – it’s not that you don’t know anything to talk about, it’s your mind and your anxiety telling you that your can’t think of anything. Makes you afraid to make a fool out of yourself.

To get over this barrier, I know only one way. Just walk up to someone, and say something. Don’t think about it, just say something.

And oh: you will make a fool out of yourself. I’ve said some things that made people doubt my sanity. I’ve literally had girls tell my friends that I was only talking crap (it inadvertently worked as a good wingman move). I’ve probably insulted hundreds of people in the process. But I can tell you – the method works. It turns out, usually you’ll say something that makes enough sense to start the conversation. And if not, well, either make up and apologize, or laugh about it.

At some point, you won’t even think twice about what to say to someone. I often amaze myself with the things I think of, without thinking about it. It’s fun, it’s creative, and I am as amazed as she is with the stuff that I come up with!

Hope you have a lot of fun practicing, and laughing about making a fool out of yourself.

A few weeks ago I was reading Outliers: The Story of Successby Malcolm Gladwell. It’s an interesting book in many ways, but of course now I want to talk about how it applies to dating.

Basically the book tries to find out why certain people have become outliers; exceptionally successful. For instance, it goes into the success of the Beatles, ice hockey players and classical musicians. Next to individual cases, the book also goes into the question why certain groups of people are especially successful – all the mayor players at computer companies, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer, are about the same age.

The most important thing they all have in common, is the amount of practice they had. The magic number that comes up time after time, is 10.000 hours of practice before anyone can become a real world-class expert. This number comes back all the time – from concert pianists to programmers.

The fact that you actually need practice, is something we seem to forget in dating. You either ‘have it’, or you don’t, and that’s it. But really, that’s nonsense – anyone can learn this, you just need to go out there and try.

“But…”, you may say – there’s definitely people to whom it seems to come naturally; they have a certain talent for making contact and flirty conversation. But think about it – how did they learn that? In my experience, these kind of people usually were brought up in some kind of circumstance that made them practice earlier on in life. Maybe their parents had lots of friends, so they met lots of new kids all the time. Maybe they travelled a lot; had long holidays or lived in a neighborhood  with a lot of different kids.

In the book, Malcolm Gladwell keeps finding these circumstances which helped someone get a lot of practice in the area in which they became successful.

So, if you want to get better in dating and meeting people, go out and practice. You will need to get out of that comfort zone and away from the computer. Find ways to meet more strangers, and practice small talk and create a conversation that is engaging for the other person.

Finally – this is a fun book to start practicing small talk:

Today I want to tell you about the thing I like best in the whole dating game, or even, what is one of my favorite things in life. And for once, this is something that is actually easy to accomplish. You may even say… it’s all you need to learn.

All too often, a pickup attempt seems forced. Or just meeting someone, calling them, asking someone out. It seems you have to do all the work, all the convincing. And at other times, it may be the other way around: someone else seems to be really into you for some reason – but you’re just not interested. Well, allright, you may go on a date, but on a certain level you’re just going trough the motions.

But every once in a while, you meet someone and it just clicks. It almost makes you believe in magic: everything just works. Talking goes effortless. You feel at ease, comfortable, but also you’re “on”. You’re funnier, more eloquent… better looking even than before. And the same seems to be happening for her: she enjoys talking to you, and she doesn’t seem to be able to stop smiling.

This, I think, is what you should aim for. Pickup is lame, and reading books on dating (or websites) is even lamer. I mean, come on: don’t you agree? But the whole point is, is to feel more comfortable, go out there and meet more people. Improve your chances of finding the girl that really suits you, where everything just works.

And wow: that makes stuff just so much easier. Stop chasing that one girl: she’s not into you, forget it. Just tell the other girl chasing you that: “sorry: it’s not going to work”. Maybe having a relationship is supposed to be hard work at times; meeting people shouldn’t be.

So there you go: search for a perfect match, search for chemistry. It should be effortless. The only thing where you really need to go out of your comfort zone is in going out there and meeting people, but not in learning pickup skills.

Posted a new article today: How to FAIL at dating. Guys who try to get better at picking up girls usually fail because of these few reasons. My point is that if you get the important things right, the rest doesn’t really matter. Focus first on meeting more girls, be comfortable at approaching them, radiate some attractiveness, look your best, ask her phone number and call her for a date. Don’t focus too much on technique and details like “don’t call within 3 days”, “don’t ask, but demand a phone number”, “Lean-in to magically create attraction”, and all that shit.

Those things may make some sense, but it makes much more sense, and will get you much more results if you first get the basics right. Then you can either forget about the details and just do you thing (which I recommend), or go all out and read every pickup book ever written.

This post is about one of the worst things you can see happening in a club: the dancing boy circle. It happens when some guys go to the dancefloor, and since they didn’t approach any girls, start dancing, talking together… which creates the most horrible thing in pickup. I drew you a picture:

Now imagine how it comes across to one of the girls when one of the guys goes up to them for a chat. “Oh right, he finally mustered the courage to come up to me, encouraged by his friends”. You start with -10 points, guaranteed.

There’s two things you can do if, for some reason, you end up in a DBC. One: open up the DBC by chatting to some girls – while you’re in the DBC. Two: leave, take a walk around, and then approach a girl (so you’re not directly coming from the group.

Best of course is to make sure you never end up in a DBC, but still.

Touch is a stong method of communication, which often, we don’t realize. In the pickup game, it’s essential to master it at least a bit. Depending on your personality and culture, you may already be comfortable touching other people when talking to them or trying to get their attention.

Making this into a habit – being natural in touching people – is a very cool thing to learn. But pay attention: if it feels awkward for you, it’s awkward for the other person as well. Which of course, is not good.

I once had a manager who probably read the latest management fad – and he, a complete geek, started touching people. It was so obviously unnatural to him, that within hours, people were talking about how disgusting this guy was behaving. To mess up that bad by using only words, he’d have to scream obscenities to them.

So be warned: touch is a strong power – great if you master it, dangerous if you don’t.

That’s why I suggest you start small. Try touching someone’s upper arm with the back of your hand. Make it a slow move, but don’t linger. Like you want to get someones attention, or add force to your point.

Experiment and play with this a bit – and pay close attention to the reactions. If you sense the slightest bit of awkwardness, you’re doing it wrong.

Once you get the hang of this a bit, use it in bars and clubs. It’s a gesture that can be used to tease someone, get someone’s attention – and it’s so powerfull it’s almost magic. Try it, be amazed. Once you’re comfortable with this simple stuff, you’ll automatically move on to be a more touchy communicator.

Here’s a new trick to learn today. When talking to girls, start paying attention to IOI’s. What’s an IOI – here’s an excerpt from “The Game” by Neil Strauss.

“What I do is, I look for IOIs. An IOI is an indicator of interest. If she asks you what your name is, that’s an IOI. If she asks you if you’re single, that’s an IOI. If you take her hands and squeeze them, and she squeezes back, that’s an IOI. And as soon as I get three IOIs, I phase-shift. I don’t even think about it. It’s like a computer program.”

Taking notice of when a girl takes interest in you, is an important habit. It’s basically a way to measure your success with a certain girl – and being able to measure success is critical to learning any new skill, right?

The rule laid down in “The Game” is that three IOI’s mean that it’s time to take the next step – ask her out, get a phone number, etc – you have establised attraction. Of course, the rules aren’t that strict, duh, but if you’ve received zero IOI’s, you’re most likely to fail when you try to move on – and also, it won’t ‘feel’ right. Pay attention to this stuff and make it a new habit – it’ll improve your game a lot.

When changing and improving yourself, the only approach that works is small steps to big goals. Big steps will often fail and leave you disappointed in yourself. Small steps to small goals don’t make an impact, even if you reach the goal.

To reach a new goal, figure out if you’re lacking a skill, or the guts to just do it. Critical in getting better at the dating game is being able to have a friendly conversation with a stranger. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that you can talk. So it’s not the lack of skills that’s holding you back. What needs to change here, it that you have to overcome a very basic fear, and create a new habit.

If you’re totally comfortable chatting away with random strangers, whether they’re old people, smart, crazy, ugly or stunningly beautifull, then go ahead and skip this post. Also, if you’re afraid to get out of the house, then this post is also not for you… you may need to consider professional help first. If, however, you’re like most people and enjoy a random chat now and then, but also feel some level of anxiety and fear when approaching strangers – it’s a good thing to start working on this first.

Good news: you know all there is to know to make conversation. You can talk and you can listen. Learning small talk is not like learning a martial art, or riding a bike. It’s not going to take years and years to master. It’s just going to take some practice and a lot of a ‘what the fuck’ attitude, to just get comfortable at speaking to strangers.

This is going to be cool. These little exercises are going to be super simple, but really entertaining. You’re going to meet new people, learn little things, and become a much cooler person. Trying these things out years ago, and focussing on getting comfortable with them – I certainly had lots of fun – and I still have, and it’s so simple to do.

Ok. Small steps to big goals. Goal: get comfortable with starting and having a random conversations with random strangers. Decide for yourself: where are you considering this skill? Do you say ‘Hi’ to people who look friendly on a bus? Do you often have a chat with strangers while you’re in a waiting room? When you’re on a plane, do you talk to the person next to you? Do you greet them? How many strangers do you talk to on a typical night in a bar? I’m not talking about the level of social interaction where you would, hypothetically be comfortable with, but the stuff you actually do, on a regular basis.

Once you know where you are now and where you want to be, think of small steps that will get you there. For example, let’s say you’re just usually walking with your iPod on, minding your own business. And in a pub or restaurants, you order your drinks and food and then just stick to the people you know. What would be some small steps to improve this?

Well, here’s a suggestion. Start by, every now and then, taking off your iPod. Look around and notice the people around you. Now, on your way home, smile and do a little nod to at least five random people. Then, the next day, do the same, but add a friendly ‘Hi!’. It’s simple stuff, right, but it’s like a warming-up. Connecting to people is on your mind, and you’re changing your habits in a small but significant way.

Now to actually start having conversations. What would be the easiest way? Find some people who are easy to talk to… what about… retail store clerks? They’re paid to talk to you! Go to some stores, and talk to these people: ask questions. First about the stuff they sell, then about store things: when do you guys close? Is this a franchise? Don’t be afraid to ask stupid questions. Have some fun! Be like David Wygant: walk into a Victoria Secret store and go like “You got any man’s stuff?”. Enjoy the mantra: “I don’t give a shit”.

Go on like this, make your own challenges, have some fun. Go to Starbucks and ask them where their coffee comes from, how long the training is to become a barista. Go to a store that’s open late and ask if the girl has to work the entire day.

Once you got this stuff down, and are having fun with this, move on to… semi-strangers. You know, collegues that are in some other department and you’ve never spoken to. People who are in your year in college but you’re not sharing any classes with. Friends of friends which you meet at parties.

An easy way to start a conversation is to start with statements, as mentioned before. The best way to do this, is to make observations – and don’t care they’re obvious. It’s best when they’re obvious! “That’s a sweet dog!”, “What a nice little plane”, “Boy it’s cold!”. Start with generic observations, and then try some more personal ones – “You look bored”, “Wow, your sweater looks like knitted vomit” – have some fun.

At some point, you will offend someone. You may freak some people out. You will make a fool of yourself. This is all ok – have a laugh about it. When you learned how to walk, you fell down, when you learned how to write you misspelled a lot (and some still do…). You can’t learn this stuff without failing miserably a few times. Accept it, laugh about it, shrug it off.

You’ll notice that once you start a conversation, the rest is easy. As I said before: talking is something you can do. Granted, some people will be easier and more fun to talk to then others, and in the skill of having an interesting conversation, there may be a lot to learn. But overcoming your fears of random banter – thank me later – is going to be a critical step. This is something you’re going to enjoy and have fun with for the rest of your life.

On the same subject as yesterday’s post, a short and simple podcast today on David Wygant’s blog about ‘how to get women to open up‘. It’s nothing mind-blowing, but often it comes down to simple things.

Ok Jim, get to the point already.

A mistake often made when meeting new people is to start with asking questions. “You like this bar?”, “Come here often?”, “What movies do you like?”, “Where are you from?”… because well, weren’t you told you should ask questions, and that girls like to talk about themselves??

Well yeah, but don’t start with an interrogation. Imagine someone doing the same to you, just while you’re talking to your friends, minding your own business, or just on your way to the loo. Pretty annoying, right?

The podcast offers a better approach, and suggests talking in statements when starting a conversation. “I think this bar is great”. Own the statement by using “I”, it’s much more confident, and much less annoying. It opens the opportunity for a reaction, but it doesn’t demand it.

Now how to make this into a habit. In relation to the small talk post, think up some pre-fab statements you can make in a supermarket, a bar, a library, the subway. “Wow (pause), 20 types of sugar / cereal / ketchup… I don’t think I need that many options”, “I didn’t think old people could party like this!”, “I always end up with too many books”, “I love the smell of commuter sweat. Makes me feel alive”. (I’m trying not to be too brilliant, to give you a good chance of coming up with better suggestions).

If you’re wondering why you still suck at picking up girls, then maybe it’s time to upgrade your wingman. Don’t tell me… you don’t have a wingman? Tsk tsk. Big Mistake.

Having a good, well trained and reliable wingman available when on a mission to pick up girls makes all the difference. For many pickup tactics, a wingman is essential. It’s a well known fact that the guy who makes first contact loses some points. Having your wingman make first contact is therefore extremely helpfull. Who will fend off the ugly girlfriend? Who’ll feed you a good pickup line if you’re lost for inspiration?