youcantdate.com

The simple things can sometimes seem the most difficult. Talking to someone, how hard can it be? Yet everybody knows the feeling where you’re in a bar or a club, or whatever – in the supermarket, and you see someone that looks cool. If only you can say something smart, funny – anything – to start the conversation. Yet – you can’t think of anything, and well, the moment passes and another day goes by.

How great would it be to overcome this problem, this stupid approach anxiety?

Ok, I’m not going to lie to you: this is not going to be easy. But it is going to be a lot of fun. The thing that you have to keep in mind: you’re not learning anything new here. You can talk to people. You know stuff to talk about. You have stuff that interests you. And you can ask questions – where do you come from, do you like it here, etc. And you have your eyes, you can notice something!

So – keep this in mind – it’s not that you don’t know anything to talk about, it’s your mind and your anxiety telling you that your can’t think of anything. Makes you afraid to make a fool out of yourself.

To get over this barrier, I know only one way. Just walk up to someone, and say something. Don’t think about it, just say something.

And oh: you will make a fool out of yourself. I’ve said some things that made people doubt my sanity. I’ve literally had girls tell my friends that I was only talking crap (it inadvertently worked as a good wingman move). I’ve probably insulted hundreds of people in the process. But I can tell you – the method works. It turns out, usually you’ll say something that makes enough sense to start the conversation. And if not, well, either make up and apologize, or laugh about it.

At some point, you won’t even think twice about what to say to someone. I often amaze myself with the things I think of, without thinking about it. It’s fun, it’s creative, and I am as amazed as she is with the stuff that I come up with!

Hope you have a lot of fun practicing, and laughing about making a fool out of yourself.

The key thing about connecting with strangers is being present – not only physically (duh), but mentally. If you’re anything like me, you’re very likely to be just lost in thoughts half of the day. I may be at the train station, but in my mind I’m somewhere else.

There’s no way you can make a converstation with someone if you’re somewhere else in your mind. What I like to do to be more ‘in the moment’ and be more present, is to start with observing much more closely. Are you ever stunned by what kind of stuff kids seem to notice? They’re much less self-aware, and much more living in the right then and there.

I sometimes like to make it into a little game: imagine that tomorrow you’ll be questioned by the police about what you saw today. What were people wearing, where were you standing exactly, what time was it, what did you notice, what were people doing.

“Ok, but what’s the point with regard to dating?”, you may wonder. Right. Well, once you’re present and observing, think about conversation starters. Observations are always good conversation starters – less personal and intrusive if they’re about the surroundings (“wow, a Ferrari”), more intimate as you make them more personal (“love your unicorn t-shirt”). Turn them into questions that show your knowledge (“you wouldn’t say this place was built in 1912, would you? It looks so modern”), or playful (“how’d you know I like cornflakes for breakfast?”). And they’re the basis for another important thing: making honest compliments.

Being more mindfull, present, in-the-moment – it all sounds very nana-nunu, but it all starts with being a good observer.

Then besides the small talk and the picking up – being observant while on a date is even more important! She picks the Italian red wine – why? Did she go there on holiday? She wears bright red, old-fashioned earrings – nice, does she like antiques? Or did her gran gave her those? She’s looking at that painting, does she like it?

Then remember those things! Next date: Italian restaurant. Antiques shop, museum for modern art. Girls love this kind of thoughtfulness! And it all starts with being observant, the rest comes naturally.

It all sounds very basic, and of course it is, but lots of guys are more busy in their minds with how they come across, or what they should say next, or what she’s thinking right now, that they miss half the date. First of all, these thoughts are useless, and secondly, they make you a very boring date.

I love this dialogue. Kurt Russel as Stuntman Mike in Death Proof.

Not to over-analyze this stuff, but check out the story-telling, the emotional detachment (well, he is a psycho killer after all) , the ‘I know how you work’ and the challenging.

(here’s the amazon link)

I must admit I have been a bit reluctant to write about appearances. I don’t want this blog to turn into a male version of Cosmopolitan and all. It’s an important subject though, and it will improve your game. I’ll thus keep it short and to the point.

Looking good is quite easy for guys. Yet at the same time, most get it completely wrong. Bad haircuts, smelly breath, ill-fitting clothes in just the wrong color. Lets just say it doesn’t help. The point is, I think, to make sure your appearance compliments your personality. To get it right means paying attention to some points, making a choice that suits you, and then get on with your life. Here’s the basics.

Clothes

Being well-dressed comes down to paying attention to color, proportion and patterns. Clothes should fit you well and be in colors that match you. Colors look different on different people, and paying attention to which colors suit you makes shopping a lot easier. Here’s a book I recommend, it helps you determine what your color scheme is and what kind of stuff then suits you:

(click on pic for amazon details)

The book also helps you determine what kind of clothes best suit your figure. Should you tuck your shirt in or not? It’s all about proportion, and once you’ve seen how this works, you’ll wonder how you ever missed it.

The first piece of clothing to buy, if you don’t have it already, is a well-fitted (tailored) white shirt. The best are made by Thomas Pink, but really, you can’t go wrong with a white shirt.

Fashion is important for girls. Paying attention to clothes yourself will make it easier to notice what a girl is wearing, and what it says about her. Extravagantly, sexy, simple, black and white, lot’s of accessories or not, creative or standard, well fitted or careless. Commenting on clothes as a conversation starter can work very well. It shows you pay attention to these things, and works as a compliment.

For further reading, pick up an Esquire every now and then, or read books like “Dressing the Man”, “Men’s Style” or Esquire’s “The Handbook of Style”.

(click on pictures for amazon details)

Grooming:

It all comes down to paying attention to the little things. Make sure your hair looks good – don’t use too much gel or wax, make sure it’s touchable without having to wash your hands. Get a haircut and ask for advice. Catch some sunshine if your skin is very white. If you wear glasses, do they look cool? Think about getting contact lenses – you can get daily contact lenses now which are no hassle and are very cheap as well. Check out your face from up close – do you look healthy? Remove excess hair, eat healthy, see a dermatologist if you have serious problems.

Make sure you smell nice – get some nice eau de toilette, but don’t use a lot of it. Anything by Hugo Boss or Armani I can recommend. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash, don’t eat smelly food before you go out.

Posture

Finally, posture. Everybody knows good posture is important and shows confidence, so I’m not going to repeat it here. Oh shit, I just did. Well, look it up, pay attention and fix your posture once and for all.

Getting this stuff right is really easy, it’s no rocket surgery or anything, and it doesn’t have to cost a lot of time or money. It will improve your life in many ways: looking well-groomed and well-dressed has a positive effect on many aspects of life.

Why learn to be better at relationships, go on dates and learn to pick up girls? It’s a lot of effort, takes time and money, and it won’t be easy.

To me, learning new social skills is about the most valuable thing I ever did. Being able to easily connect to strangers makes boring things like going on a plane or train into opportunities to get to know new people, hear different ideas and opinions and learn new things. Being able to connect to people makes resolving or avoiding all sorts of conflicts much easier.It’s a skill that makes so much more possible, gives you so much freedom, it’s amazing.

And that’s just learning better social skills. Being better at dating and meeting girls is, well, even more rewarding. If you’re not very good at it, you are putting your chances of finding an awesome girl into the hands of fate. And even if fate would put the girl of your dreams on your doorstep, you’d probably not know what to say, wet your pants and screw up alltogether.

Fair enough: most people don’t suck at this stuff. They get by, they do ok. But that’s like saying your transportation skills are ‘ok’ once you’ve learned how to walk. Yeah, in principle, that’ll get you anywhere. But being great: learning to drive a car, fly a plane – there’s a big difference.

Imagine what great social skills will bring you. Less misunderstandings and arguments. More fun during the day. More genuine connections with people around you. A better understanding of other people. And: having lots of fun in meeting girls.

This is not just about being the cool guy in a bar, chatting up some random blonde. This is about learning skills that basically everybody should have, and will be extremely valuable troughout your life, not just in dating supermodels.

Many people, when they’re unhappy about a certain part of their life, start focusing on details. Switching to Diet Cokes if they’re fat, drinking green tea when they’re stressed or stop buying latte’s when they’re spending too much.

These kind of things may feel like action, but they won’t amount to anything – and are thus an utter waste of time and energy. It’s true that you must start with a single small step, but it must be a single step on a real, bigger, bolder course.

The real fixes are either silver bullets or quick fixes, or ‘real’ proper solutions. You may have a tendency to dislike quick fixes, or be too lazy to really change your ways and implement a proper fix. Me, I don’t care about the distinction because it’s useless – a fix is a fix. Whether you lose weight trough changing your diet and exercising, or trough the quick-fix of a stomach reduction, as long as you shed your chubbiness, it’s fine and dandy.

When looking at the dating game, it crucial to look at the big picture. To get better at this, it will require effort and energy, it requires you to stop being a victim, to stop being in control, to move out of your comfort zone. Now you better make sure that you apply this energy in the right area, in bold moves toward you goals.

What’s the area you suck at most? Instead of thinking Diet Coke / green tea, I urge you to think of a real fix of your problems, and then take action. More concrete ideas and suggestions in later posts.

Californication, starring David Duchovny is hands down the best thing on tv right now.

”Nobody likes you, you’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you douche.”

If you’ve never seen it, may I suggest you sample its delights as soon as possible. It’s funny, extremely well written, has great music and is just very well filmed. The world would be a better place if we all looked a little more like Mr Moody. A fucked up place, but better nonetheless.

You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it’s not gentlemanly.

So well, there’s a recommendation for you. Here’s a clip if you’re still not convinced:

Without going all self-help on you here, I do need to address a very common error made by many. They’re nice guys, hard workers, do some sports, some hobbies, etc. On the surface, they seem relatively happy. Still, they may have a nagging feeling that there’s something missing in life though. It may be that the job they’re in is crap, their relationship sucks, their girlfriend doesn’t suck, they can’t get a date. Maybe they’re a little overweight, or maybe a lot. Maybe they should stop smoking, or stop playing so many video games.

However, time passes and all that changes is their ages. They’re spilling time like cheap liquor.

Getting out of a rut like that may seem difficult. It’s not. But don’t try changing and improving everything at once. First, these guys need to decide that they will be awesome. Second, you can’t change everything at once, so stop trying. Forget about everything that you should do – forget that you didn’t buy new clothes since Liberace was straight. Forget you’re fat. Forget you should change your job. It’s all good. Now, choose three areas to focus on. It may be less, but no more.

There, bam: a simple life. You’re awesome, everything is good, and you have only three things to worry about. Now for each of those three areas, think of one simple action that will improve the situation. Make sure you work on at least one area each day, and make sure each area moves each week at least one bit.

One of those areas should be about meeting girls, striving for the awesome relationship ™, or just dating models. Keep reading this site and you’ll get there.

There’s many essential qualities that make up awesomeness. The most important one is being positive. Look what depressive people brought us: James Blunt songs and boring books. If you’re into that kind of stuff, then why don’t you go over there and compare the size of your uterus with the other girls there.

Say it with me: “I Am Awesome”. High five. Now, being positive about yourself is one thing, but being positive about everything else is just as important. Fact: girls like puppies. Why? Because they’re happy and enthusiastic about anything. The puppy mindset ™ is what you need to teach yourself as soon as possible. Any opportunity that arises, I want you to say ‘Yes!’ to. Try it, starting now, and see what happens. I guarantee you it will blow your mind.