How to fail at dating
Meeting girls and dating are easy. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. You don’t need 10 DVD’s of Mystery Method or all sorts of books to become good at this stuff. You don’t need to change your personality, you don’t need to change much of your habits, and you don’t need an awful lot of new skills.
To get this stuff 80% right, you just need to make sure you don’t fail at the following simple points. Get those right, fix whatever is holding you back, and you’re good to go. Is it really that simple? Yes. The theory is simple – putting this stuff into action, the only thing holding you back is your own fear.
I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act.– Buddha
You FAIL because you don’t show up
If you don’t go to bars, clubs, or other (often much better) places to meet girls, you fail. Simple as that. You sit there alone, wondering why you can’t seem to find a girl who looks like Lara Croft? It’s because you don’t get out of the house, mainly. Get dancing lessons, if you can stomach it, join an acting class, get a job as a bartender or a dj, go out to bars and clubs, go read a book in Starbucks instead of on the couch.
You FAIL because you don’t approach her
Remember that time when you were on a bus and saw the most gorgeous girl ever? Did she just smile at you? Wow, she was just perfect, right? You tried to make eye contact and tried to look cool. You hoped she noticed your brilliant novelty t-shirt, and comments on it. Or something. Or the bus might hit someone, and this shared horrific experience will be the start of your relationship. She has blue eyes, your children will have blue eyes as well. Twins, probably. Yeah, that would be cool. She can pick the names, you’d be cool with that.
Weird thing happened. Despite your novelty t-shirt and your great looks, despite your telepathy, and despite the fact that you and her were obviously fated to be together, she just got off the bus at the next stop.
Talking to strangers can be somewhat daunting, especially if said strangers have nice boobs. It is however something that’s really easy to learn, and easy to become pretty good at. Here’s a post where I’ve chopped this up into small steps: Small talk. If you’re serious about learning this – and trust me, it’s a great skill to learn, try this book:
Start small, talk to old people, people in stores, restaurants, etc. At some point, you’ll be so comfortable to get in touch with strangers (really, it’s easy and fun once you get the hang of it), and: problem solved.
You FAIL because you’re not selling yourself
First of all, “selling yourself” sounds really bad. But it’s the simplest way to put it. First of all: you are interesting, you are awesome, and you are worth it for someone to get to know you. You can’t be everyone’s best friend, and you’re surely no match for every girl out there – and every pickup technique that tries to ignore that little fact, isn’t worth your time.
So what it comes down to, is making sure you show what you’re worth. Start by being well-dressed and well-groomed, like I describe in this post: Looking good: the basics. Then in any conversation you have with someone new, make sure you indirectly mention one or two of your best traits. Indirectly, in the sense that you don’t say “I’m very smart”, but that you make a remark, or tell a story that shows you’re smart. Knowing your good points and knowing how to show them is important in all aspects of life.
You FAIL because you’re not paying attention to her
So you found a girl, approached her, you look the part, and you have been talking for an hour about how you rescued four baby turtles from a horrible death while you were traveling the Amazon looking for a cure for cancer. Good stuff, well done. However: did you pay attention to what she’s wearing and what that says about her personality? Did you check out her friends: what kind of people are they and what do they think of you? Is she showing any signs of interest in you? What color are her eyes? Is she drunk? Is she laughing at your jokes? Is she having fun talking to you?
This is the biggest pitfall for aspiring pickup artists, and my biggest complaint about the whole pickup artist scene. Focusing on all sorts of techniques and stuff, takes focus away from the thing that matters most: finding out more about this girl. The biggest compliment you can pay someone is paying attention to them. Notice little things, comment on them, listen carefully. Come back to things she said, invent little running gags. It’s not technique, it’s common stuff. It’s paying attention to someone else, on a personal level.
You FAIL because you don’t ask her phone number
So you found a girl, have a nice chat, and she may very well be interested in you. And you feel like you want to meet her again. Then her friends leave, or she gets off the train, or her phone rings or you have to leave, or whatever. You never see her again.
Again, asking for phone numbers is one of those subjects that pickup artists have lots of advice about. It’s all bullshit, really. You don’t need technique to ask for a phone number. Asking “Can I please please please have your phone number” or “Give me your number!” will yield the same results. Once you’re asking for a phone number, she should be into you. She should want you to call her sometime and have a chat, go on a date, get to know you better. Any way you ask it is fine.
What helps though, is to have a good line ready. Just so it comes very easily to you, and you don’t forget. My favorite: “Hey, I’d like to call you sometime, why don’t you give me your number?”. Reach for your phone as you ask. But really: any way you ask is fine, as long as you ask.
You FAIL because you don’t call
So you got a number of a girl that looks promising. Well done man! It wasn’t hard, was it? No way: this stuff is easy.
Final step: calling, and setting up a date. How difficult it seems to call a stranger. Will she remember you? Will she pick up the phone? What will you say? Oh, you’ll screw up!
The only way to screw up is not to call. Stand up, put a smile on your face and think back about meeting her. Remember something she said, a joke you both laughed about. Take a deep breath, and call. Don’t script your conversation, but start about what a good time you had when you met her. If she sounds positive, and reacts enthusiastically to the talk, ask her on a date.
Oh, and forget all that bullshit about not calling within 3 days, not calling during the day, not leaving a message, do leave a message, e-mail is better, don’t call after 10pm, etc. Forget all that, and just give her a call, better sooner than later. If you screw up, think about what you could do better next time and congratulate yourself. Because you may have failed, but you didn’t let fear hold you back. Keep it up, and you will succeed.
