youcantdate.com

Before blaming the world, girls in general, idiots, weird people, dating sites, soap opera’s – start with yourself. You’re probably reading this site because you feel like your relationship or dating can be improved in some way. It can be pretty good already, with some room for improvement, or maybe it flat-out sucks. Why is that? And what would be the first step to take towards improvement?

Starting with yourself is a strong concept. In any personal development course or self-help book, you’re encouraged to start with yourself. Be realistic about your abilities, be responsible for the life you are leading and the position you are in right now. It may very well be that you have had some bad experiences, that you are brought up in a certain way – there may be all sorts of external factors that have determined where you are right now. You can either stay there and be a victim, or start improving your situation – step by step. It is your choice.

Improving any skill requires that you know where you are right now – and accepting that. Let’s start with an example: let’s say your car isn’t fast – this is the ‘complaint’ you have about the current situation. If you look at race cars, they all have spoilers. So you decide to add a spoiler to your car. Will it make a difference? Well, it depends. Most probably not though. Because, maybe your car is not so fast because the engine is on the verge of breakdown, or the tires are punctured, or it is out of gas. Without first assessing the situation, you won’t be able to improve it. Once you have a list of reasons why your car isn’t fast, you can start with the one that will make the biggest change – if it is in your ability to do that.

That’s also the idea for this site. It provides many ideas for improvement in the area of dating and relationships. To know which is applicable for you, at this moment, you must be honest to yourself and thoroughly assess your current situation.

This article will focus on the self-assessment regarding dating, so the chances of meeting girls and ending up in some kind of relationship. A later article will consider the self-assessment once you’re in a relationship where you think some things could be better.

So what is dating? You must allow me some kind of scientific approach here – it will just make it easier to do this assessment. Anyway, dating would be the selection of girls out of all the girls in the world to someone to try and have a relationship with. And of course – being selected by the girls as well at the same time. While we’re in this pseudo-scientific approach – think about the factors that most influence your success. Success would be considered finding a ‘perfect match’ – a girl that is just right for you, who’s positive about having a relation with you. Here are some factors I think are important: how many girls would you even consider going out on a date with? How many new girls do you meet in a month? How attractive are you on a first impression (for this ‘perfect match’)? Once you meet someone you like, how often does it end because she, at some point, says no?

Let’s start with the first one: what kind of girls would you like to date? In other words: how picky are you? First of all, I want to make clear that there’s nothing wrong with being picky. But the key here is to be picky about the right things – the things that are really important to you! To really know “what you’re looking for” makes the whole dating game so much easier. But being superficial about it, chances are that you’re dismissing people who might actually be very good for you.

In a later article we will go trough making ‘the list’ step-by step, doing some proper soul searching and some exercises. For now, I’ll stick to the basics: looks, lifestyle, age and attitude. Next to those there’s a big practical aspect: location – or: will you meet this type of person? But that’s the question for the next step.

First looks, how picky are you towards someone’s appearance? And then I don’t mean the part that says something about their lifestyle and attitude, but really looks on their own. Think about the kind of people you notice in a bar or in the subway. Think about people you used to date. If you’d have to choose between beauty and intelligence, for example, which would you choose? If you’d have to choose between someone utterly boring, but beautiful – or someone interesting and outgoing, but average looking?

Secondly, lifestyle. With this I mean all the stuff someone does and has done, filled their life and time with. For now, let’s focus on the major lifestyle elements, the things that can be real dealbreakers (drug use, criminal record, etc) and the must-haves you made up, level of education, interest, style of dressing, etc. Which ideas do you have about that, and which do you ever use to dismiss a person you could date with? Are all of them fair? Also, try to think why you have a certain idea here, for instance: “someone must love soccer”. Think about why this is important. This could be because you love to hang out with friends and watch soccer, and want her to be there, and you know, participate in the cheering. Doesn’t it make more sense then to look for someone that’s outgoing and likes to socialize? Try looking at the real, underlying value, and you’ll get much more clarity.

Then age, this is a simple one, and I think most people know what they want in that area. Think a little closer why you’re looking for someone a certain age. Is it because of the lifestyle it implies, the life experience (or lack thereof!), a certain seriousness. Realizing this exactly might give some clues on how you really think about the other areas as well. For instance, if you are looking for older women, maybe you are actually just looking for more seriousness and someone less girly, someone who does a bit of looking after you or something.

What’s also funny about age, is considering what the opposite is looking for at their age. (Please excuse my horrible generalizations here). If a girl is around 30-35, she’ll have made up her mind about having children, and if she wants them, she’ll be looking for a man to have kids with. At this point in your life: is that you? And someone who’s in university at 22, thinking about her career and seeing the world – she’s not looking for someone to sit next to on the couch and settle down.

And finally attitude. Personally, for me this would be the most important one. How does someone look at life, at other people, at circumstances and things happening to them? Think about yourself as well – do you complain a lot? What are the people that really annoy you? The ideas you have about this area, first test them on yourself. Secondly, try to think about them more closely, are you honest about them? You’re looking for someone with a sense of humour: aren’t you just looking for someone who laughs at your jokes? You like realistic people – doesn’t that mean you’re looking for people who just share your opinion? Be honest about these things, and think about what you really mean. Even if you’re not too proud of the conclusion, but still believe it is right – by all means stick by them. This is about getting clarity, change will occur automatically if is has to.

Now, in theory, if we would have a complete list of all people in the world, together with your ‘requirements’, you could derive how many potential girls there are ‘out there’ for you. What is your idea about that number – the number of girls you wouldn’t mind going on a first date with? Have a chat and get to know better, see what happens, that kind of things?

Let’s, for the fun of it, do a little calculation. Let’s say you live in the UK – 60 Million inhabitants, of which 2.5 million are female, between 24 and 30. How many live close enough to you? Let’s say 250.000. How many of those are single and willing to go on a date? About 25%? – that leaves about 60.000. Now think about your wish-list – how many are physically attractive to you? 10%? How many are smart enough? An IQ of 115 or higher means only 15% qualify – only 900 left. Share the same beliefs, interests, no crime and drugs, no serious mental disorders, positive and enthusiastic… If your list is even remotely elaborate, chances are you are really just looking for ‘the one’.

Lets say for this example, of this group of 250.000 females in your age group who live somewhat near, your list basically selects about a 100 that you’d like to go on a date with. That means a 0.04 percent chance that a random girl in your age group you meet will be single and nice enough to go on a date with. Of course, this highly depends on your location, your demands – but it shows that without even outrageous demands, your chances of finding someone will be much lower than you imagine them to be.

So firstly, think about your list, and think a bit about how rare the type of person you are looking for is. This is a good starting point.

Secondly, think about how many new people you are meeting everyday, especially more or less like the type that you’d like to meet? If you’re looking for a well-travelled, smart supermodel, yet you work in a factory with only guys, you probably aren’t meeting lots of girls like her everyday.

And when you do meet them, in what kind of situation? Is there room for getting to know each other at least a bit? Basically, assess the chances of converting the ‘just meeting’ to getting to know each other. This is both dependent on the situation as well as your social abilities.

Finally, once you have met someone which is cool and nice, what are the odds of going on a date? Did you take any effort in making this happen? Does the girl keep saying no?

Once you’ve honestly done and thought about this self-assessment, it is probably clear where the most room for improvement is. If your list of demands is elaborate, and you’re not willing to change it one bit, then – do you even meet girls like that on a regular basis? If no, that’s the area to work on. If you’re meeting plenty, but you never dare to have a chat or ask them for a date, that’s the most important thing to work on. If you keep getting negativity and rejection, think about where that is coming from.

The next couple of articles will focus on generating ideas for improving your dating in one of those areas. Seriously think about what you’re looking for, how to meet more girls that are your type, how to make real contact and how to convert that contact into a date.

Most dating sites and books focus on this one thing – chatting up a girl. It seems like an art, you have to be a real smooth Casanova and you’ll get all the girls you want. I hope this article shows that your skills there are pretty much irrelevant when you don’t have the other aspects covered. Once you’re doing well there, I dare to say that the rest will probably be much easier than you think and – since you’re talking to a girl that you actually like and share interests with – it will come pretty naturally to you. It is very important to realize that – most likely – you have been focusing on gaining the wrong skills, and that just changing this focus will make a huge difference. It will open up a whole new world of possibilities for improvement, and will significantly increase your chances of being successful.