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A few weeks ago I was reading Outliers: The Story of Successby Malcolm Gladwell. It’s an interesting book in many ways, but of course now I want to talk about how it applies to dating.

Basically the book tries to find out why certain people have become outliers; exceptionally successful. For instance, it goes into the success of the Beatles, ice hockey players and classical musicians. Next to individual cases, the book also goes into the question why certain groups of people are especially successful – all the mayor players at computer companies, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer, are about the same age.

The most important thing they all have in common, is the amount of practice they had. The magic number that comes up time after time, is 10.000 hours of practice before anyone can become a real world-class expert. This number comes back all the time – from concert pianists to programmers.

The fact that you actually need practice, is something we seem to forget in dating. You either ‘have it’, or you don’t, and that’s it. But really, that’s nonsense – anyone can learn this, you just need to go out there and try.

“But…”, you may say – there’s definitely people to whom it seems to come naturally; they have a certain talent for making contact and flirty conversation. But think about it – how did they learn that? In my experience, these kind of people usually were brought up in some kind of circumstance that made them practice earlier on in life. Maybe their parents had lots of friends, so they met lots of new kids all the time. Maybe they travelled a lot; had long holidays or lived in a neighborhood  with a lot of different kids.

In the book, Malcolm Gladwell keeps finding these circumstances which helped someone get a lot of practice in the area in which they became successful.

So, if you want to get better in dating and meeting people, go out and practice. You will need to get out of that comfort zone and away from the computer. Find ways to meet more strangers, and practice small talk and create a conversation that is engaging for the other person.

Finally – this is a fun book to start practicing small talk:

Today I want to tell you about the thing I like best in the whole dating game, or even, what is one of my favorite things in life. And for once, this is something that is actually easy to accomplish. You may even say… it’s all you need to learn.

All too often, a pickup attempt seems forced. Or just meeting someone, calling them, asking someone out. It seems you have to do all the work, all the convincing. And at other times, it may be the other way around: someone else seems to be really into you for some reason – but you’re just not interested. Well, allright, you may go on a date, but on a certain level you’re just going trough the motions.

But every once in a while, you meet someone and it just clicks. It almost makes you believe in magic: everything just works. Talking goes effortless. You feel at ease, comfortable, but also you’re “on”. You’re funnier, more eloquent… better looking even than before. And the same seems to be happening for her: she enjoys talking to you, and she doesn’t seem to be able to stop smiling.

This, I think, is what you should aim for. Pickup is lame, and reading books on dating (or websites) is even lamer. I mean, come on: don’t you agree? But the whole point is, is to feel more comfortable, go out there and meet more people. Improve your chances of finding the girl that really suits you, where everything just works.

And wow: that makes stuff just so much easier. Stop chasing that one girl: she’s not into you, forget it. Just tell the other girl chasing you that: “sorry: it’s not going to work”. Maybe having a relationship is supposed to be hard work at times; meeting people shouldn’t be.

So there you go: search for a perfect match, search for chemistry. It should be effortless. The only thing where you really need to go out of your comfort zone is in going out there and meeting people, but not in learning pickup skills.

The key thing about connecting with strangers is being present – not only physically (duh), but mentally. If you’re anything like me, you’re very likely to be just lost in thoughts half of the day. I may be at the train station, but in my mind I’m somewhere else.

There’s no way you can make a converstation with someone if you’re somewhere else in your mind. What I like to do to be more ‘in the moment’ and be more present, is to start with observing much more closely. Are you ever stunned by what kind of stuff kids seem to notice? They’re much less self-aware, and much more living in the right then and there.

I sometimes like to make it into a little game: imagine that tomorrow you’ll be questioned by the police about what you saw today. What were people wearing, where were you standing exactly, what time was it, what did you notice, what were people doing.

“Ok, but what’s the point with regard to dating?”, you may wonder. Right. Well, once you’re present and observing, think about conversation starters. Observations are always good conversation starters – less personal and intrusive if they’re about the surroundings (“wow, a Ferrari”), more intimate as you make them more personal (“love your unicorn t-shirt”). Turn them into questions that show your knowledge (“you wouldn’t say this place was built in 1912, would you? It looks so modern”), or playful (“how’d you know I like cornflakes for breakfast?”). And they’re the basis for another important thing: making honest compliments.

Being more mindfull, present, in-the-moment – it all sounds very nana-nunu, but it all starts with being a good observer.

Then besides the small talk and the picking up – being observant while on a date is even more important! She picks the Italian red wine – why? Did she go there on holiday? She wears bright red, old-fashioned earrings – nice, does she like antiques? Or did her gran gave her those? She’s looking at that painting, does she like it?

Then remember those things! Next date: Italian restaurant. Antiques shop, museum for modern art. Girls love this kind of thoughtfulness! And it all starts with being observant, the rest comes naturally.

It all sounds very basic, and of course it is, but lots of guys are more busy in their minds with how they come across, or what they should say next, or what she’s thinking right now, that they miss half the date. First of all, these thoughts are useless, and secondly, they make you a very boring date.

I must admit I have been a bit reluctant to write about appearances. I don’t want this blog to turn into a male version of Cosmopolitan and all. It’s an important subject though, and it will improve your game. I’ll thus keep it short and to the point.

Looking good is quite easy for guys. Yet at the same time, most get it completely wrong. Bad haircuts, smelly breath, ill-fitting clothes in just the wrong color. Lets just say it doesn’t help. The point is, I think, to make sure your appearance compliments your personality. To get it right means paying attention to some points, making a choice that suits you, and then get on with your life. Here’s the basics.

Clothes

Being well-dressed comes down to paying attention to color, proportion and patterns. Clothes should fit you well and be in colors that match you. Colors look different on different people, and paying attention to which colors suit you makes shopping a lot easier. Here’s a book I recommend, it helps you determine what your color scheme is and what kind of stuff then suits you:

(click on pic for amazon details)

The book also helps you determine what kind of clothes best suit your figure. Should you tuck your shirt in or not? It’s all about proportion, and once you’ve seen how this works, you’ll wonder how you ever missed it.

The first piece of clothing to buy, if you don’t have it already, is a well-fitted (tailored) white shirt. The best are made by Thomas Pink, but really, you can’t go wrong with a white shirt.

Fashion is important for girls. Paying attention to clothes yourself will make it easier to notice what a girl is wearing, and what it says about her. Extravagantly, sexy, simple, black and white, lot’s of accessories or not, creative or standard, well fitted or careless. Commenting on clothes as a conversation starter can work very well. It shows you pay attention to these things, and works as a compliment.

For further reading, pick up an Esquire every now and then, or read books like “Dressing the Man”, “Men’s Style” or Esquire’s “The Handbook of Style”.

(click on pictures for amazon details)

Grooming:

It all comes down to paying attention to the little things. Make sure your hair looks good – don’t use too much gel or wax, make sure it’s touchable without having to wash your hands. Get a haircut and ask for advice. Catch some sunshine if your skin is very white. If you wear glasses, do they look cool? Think about getting contact lenses – you can get daily contact lenses now which are no hassle and are very cheap as well. Check out your face from up close – do you look healthy? Remove excess hair, eat healthy, see a dermatologist if you have serious problems.

Make sure you smell nice – get some nice eau de toilette, but don’t use a lot of it. Anything by Hugo Boss or Armani I can recommend. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash, don’t eat smelly food before you go out.

Posture

Finally, posture. Everybody knows good posture is important and shows confidence, so I’m not going to repeat it here. Oh shit, I just did. Well, look it up, pay attention and fix your posture once and for all.

Getting this stuff right is really easy, it’s no rocket surgery or anything, and it doesn’t have to cost a lot of time or money. It will improve your life in many ways: looking well-groomed and well-dressed has a positive effect on many aspects of life.

A lot of the visitors to this site are looking for online dating advice. Which makes sense, as well, if you’re taking dating advice from a website, your confidence in the internet is probably pretty big. Why not find a date online, right?

Well, as long as you can stand the tedious churning out of messages, tinkering with your profile and getting harassed by crazies, I agree – why the hell not? This post will summarize the optimal strategy for online dating – detailed in other articles on this site, and don’t worry – elaborated upon in many articles to come. Making this into a science is a bit of a hobby for me, what can I say…

I don’t need to tell you to start with a good profile, and include a photo where you look your best. Include more than one photo, and be aware of the story that the background may tell. This is basic stuff. Secondly:

Send lots of messages.
Online dating for guys is a fight against the odds: the cute girls get lots of messages which they can’t possibly all reply to. Aim to send at least five a day. Yes, that is a lot. You want to win or whine?

Standardize your first message.
Personalize the subject and the greeting, copy-paste the rest. Take an effort in tuning and tweaking your standard message, but make it standard. It may make you feel unoriginal and boring – but you’re not going to keep it up if you keep getting zero replies to your carefully crafted messages. Some sample standard messages in next posts.

Ask for a date in the first message.
It’s hard enough to get to know someone when talking face to face, don’t think you’re going to know someone by sending some messages back and forth. It’s annoying, takes time, and lots can go wrong. If the girl first wants to check you out trough IM or e-mail, then fine – but you should aim to meet face to face as soon as possible, so ask for it immediately. It shows confidence and clarity – and shows you’re not just want to chat.

Send replies quickly.
This may go against the rules of “don’t call a girl within 4 days” and all that stuff which you may believe in (hey, there’s some truth in it, but more on that later). But online dating is different. So she noticed you in her full inbox – don’t reply immediately and you’re on the bottom of the pile again. I haven’t seen anyone giving this tip online, and it has proven to be crucial. If you don’t want to come across as too eager – good point – then tune your messages, but not your timing.

Send a second message when you get no reply.
Most people send only one message, and then if they don’t get a reply, draw the conclusion they’ve been rejected and move on. If you did what I told you, have a good profile and send a good message – you should get a reply. If not, it’s safe to assume you elicited a “Meh”, or a “I’ll think about it”. Then three days later she logs in again, there’s a pile of new messages waiting, and you’re forgotten. Not if you send a second message, a “Hey – forgot about me? You must get lot’s of messages, but I’d really like to meet you – check me out and I’ll hear from you”. Good advertizing is repetition – make it work for you.

These things make all the difference. They’ll change your success tremendously, you’ll go on lots of dates and meet lots of girls. Your problem will no longer be ‘getting a date’ – but selecting who to date. And that’s the point precisely. Awesome.

Without going all self-help on you here, I do need to address a very common error made by many. They’re nice guys, hard workers, do some sports, some hobbies, etc. On the surface, they seem relatively happy. Still, they may have a nagging feeling that there’s something missing in life though. It may be that the job they’re in is crap, their relationship sucks, their girlfriend doesn’t suck, they can’t get a date. Maybe they’re a little overweight, or maybe a lot. Maybe they should stop smoking, or stop playing so many video games.

However, time passes and all that changes is their ages. They’re spilling time like cheap liquor.

Getting out of a rut like that may seem difficult. It’s not. But don’t try changing and improving everything at once. First, these guys need to decide that they will be awesome. Second, you can’t change everything at once, so stop trying. Forget about everything that you should do – forget that you didn’t buy new clothes since Liberace was straight. Forget you’re fat. Forget you should change your job. It’s all good. Now, choose three areas to focus on. It may be less, but no more.

There, bam: a simple life. You’re awesome, everything is good, and you have only three things to worry about. Now for each of those three areas, think of one simple action that will improve the situation. Make sure you work on at least one area each day, and make sure each area moves each week at least one bit.

One of those areas should be about meeting girls, striving for the awesome relationship ™, or just dating models. Keep reading this site and you’ll get there.