youcantdate.com

A few weeks ago I was reading Outliers: The Story of Successby Malcolm Gladwell. It’s an interesting book in many ways, but of course now I want to talk about how it applies to dating.

Basically the book tries to find out why certain people have become outliers; exceptionally successful. For instance, it goes into the success of the Beatles, ice hockey players and classical musicians. Next to individual cases, the book also goes into the question why certain groups of people are especially successful – all the mayor players at computer companies, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer, are about the same age.

The most important thing they all have in common, is the amount of practice they had. The magic number that comes up time after time, is 10.000 hours of practice before anyone can become a real world-class expert. This number comes back all the time – from concert pianists to programmers.

The fact that you actually need practice, is something we seem to forget in dating. You either ‘have it’, or you don’t, and that’s it. But really, that’s nonsense – anyone can learn this, you just need to go out there and try.

“But…”, you may say – there’s definitely people to whom it seems to come naturally; they have a certain talent for making contact and flirty conversation. But think about it – how did they learn that? In my experience, these kind of people usually were brought up in some kind of circumstance that made them practice earlier on in life. Maybe their parents had lots of friends, so they met lots of new kids all the time. Maybe they travelled a lot; had long holidays or lived in a neighborhood  with a lot of different kids.

In the book, Malcolm Gladwell keeps finding these circumstances which helped someone get a lot of practice in the area in which they became successful.

So, if you want to get better in dating and meeting people, go out and practice. You will need to get out of that comfort zone and away from the computer. Find ways to meet more strangers, and practice small talk and create a conversation that is engaging for the other person.

Finally – this is a fun book to start practicing small talk:

Today I want to tell you about the thing I like best in the whole dating game, or even, what is one of my favorite things in life. And for once, this is something that is actually easy to accomplish. You may even say… it’s all you need to learn.

All too often, a pickup attempt seems forced. Or just meeting someone, calling them, asking someone out. It seems you have to do all the work, all the convincing. And at other times, it may be the other way around: someone else seems to be really into you for some reason – but you’re just not interested. Well, allright, you may go on a date, but on a certain level you’re just going trough the motions.

But every once in a while, you meet someone and it just clicks. It almost makes you believe in magic: everything just works. Talking goes effortless. You feel at ease, comfortable, but also you’re “on”. You’re funnier, more eloquent… better looking even than before. And the same seems to be happening for her: she enjoys talking to you, and she doesn’t seem to be able to stop smiling.

This, I think, is what you should aim for. Pickup is lame, and reading books on dating (or websites) is even lamer. I mean, come on: don’t you agree? But the whole point is, is to feel more comfortable, go out there and meet more people. Improve your chances of finding the girl that really suits you, where everything just works.

And wow: that makes stuff just so much easier. Stop chasing that one girl: she’s not into you, forget it. Just tell the other girl chasing you that: “sorry: it’s not going to work”. Maybe having a relationship is supposed to be hard work at times; meeting people shouldn’t be.

So there you go: search for a perfect match, search for chemistry. It should be effortless. The only thing where you really need to go out of your comfort zone is in going out there and meeting people, but not in learning pickup skills.

The key thing about connecting with strangers is being present – not only physically (duh), but mentally. If you’re anything like me, you’re very likely to be just lost in thoughts half of the day. I may be at the train station, but in my mind I’m somewhere else.

There’s no way you can make a converstation with someone if you’re somewhere else in your mind. What I like to do to be more ‘in the moment’ and be more present, is to start with observing much more closely. Are you ever stunned by what kind of stuff kids seem to notice? They’re much less self-aware, and much more living in the right then and there.

I sometimes like to make it into a little game: imagine that tomorrow you’ll be questioned by the police about what you saw today. What were people wearing, where were you standing exactly, what time was it, what did you notice, what were people doing.

“Ok, but what’s the point with regard to dating?”, you may wonder. Right. Well, once you’re present and observing, think about conversation starters. Observations are always good conversation starters – less personal and intrusive if they’re about the surroundings (“wow, a Ferrari”), more intimate as you make them more personal (“love your unicorn t-shirt”). Turn them into questions that show your knowledge (“you wouldn’t say this place was built in 1912, would you? It looks so modern”), or playful (“how’d you know I like cornflakes for breakfast?”). And they’re the basis for another important thing: making honest compliments.

Being more mindfull, present, in-the-moment – it all sounds very nana-nunu, but it all starts with being a good observer.

Then besides the small talk and the picking up – being observant while on a date is even more important! She picks the Italian red wine – why? Did she go there on holiday? She wears bright red, old-fashioned earrings – nice, does she like antiques? Or did her gran gave her those? She’s looking at that painting, does she like it?

Then remember those things! Next date: Italian restaurant. Antiques shop, museum for modern art. Girls love this kind of thoughtfulness! And it all starts with being observant, the rest comes naturally.

It all sounds very basic, and of course it is, but lots of guys are more busy in their minds with how they come across, or what they should say next, or what she’s thinking right now, that they miss half the date. First of all, these thoughts are useless, and secondly, they make you a very boring date.

Once you get into the pickup community, and start reading the methods of Mystery, Mehow, David DeAngelo and Neil Strauss, there’s a lot of new concepts and jargon words that are thrown your way. Acronyms like AFC, PUA, IOI, IOD, words like ’set’, neg, recalibration, takeaway – it seems they’ve tagged and pigeonholed every possible situation and technique.

Making social interaction – and especially picking up girls – into a science is a geek thing, obviously. It is trying to simplify and categorize human behaviour. The systems and methods they come up with are bound to be incomplete and inaccurate.

However, one thing is for sure: to become better at relationships, picking up girls, going on dates, you’re going to have to change your behavior. You probably know what kind of stuff you’d need to change – be more comfortable in a bar, be comfortable talking to strangers, be friendly, be in the moment. Meet more people, get to know people quicker, be more observant – there’s so much to improve.

What I like about the pickup-artists methods is that they are outrageous. They’re out there, they’re different and those guys have balls. They usually started out as shy guys, and through a lot of practice – and a lot of failure, they’re now very successful.

In this website, I’m using the pickup artists material in three ways: one, to take some excercises and ideas to get you out of your comfort zone and start interacting in ways you wouldn’t normally do. Two, by paying attention to certain patterns in social interaction, you start paying more attention to people. Whether you label this stuff and go all geeky, or you just try to be in the moment and let your subconcious make the next move, it doesn’t matter. And third: to keep this stuff fresh. There’s not a lot of people who are so insanely serious about this stuff, and to keep your focus and to keep improving, you need new input and some progress at least every week.

When meeting new people, sometimes you are just ‘on’ and psyched, you click and exciting conversation just seems to flow naturally. And sometimes, well, it seems to take effort, long pauses, you know what I mean. This ususally happens when you meet someone unexpected – when you’re just minding your own business, walking the dog or doing groceries.

How come some people seem to be so natural in simple conversations, a little smalltalk – any time of the day? Well either you’re a natural, or you need some practice. It’s not as difficult how it sounds: when interacting with strangers, it’s never required to be original. Just have one subject, appropriate for the situation and you’re good to go. The article below from David Wygant offers some inspiration: Obvious is good.

Hey, if your attititude sucks, you’re never going to be successful. Brilliant stuff from Violentacres:

Every time a man fawns all over his girlfriend because she had the benevolence to let him stick his pee pee in her, she starts to wonder if she could attract a guy who isn’t such a fucking tool.

Violent Acres – dating is competitive manipulation

Many people, when they’re unhappy about a certain part of their life, start focusing on details. Switching to Diet Cokes if they’re fat, drinking green tea when they’re stressed or stop buying latte’s when they’re spending too much.

These kind of things may feel like action, but they won’t amount to anything – and are thus an utter waste of time and energy. It’s true that you must start with a single small step, but it must be a single step on a real, bigger, bolder course.

The real fixes are either silver bullets or quick fixes, or ‘real’ proper solutions. You may have a tendency to dislike quick fixes, or be too lazy to really change your ways and implement a proper fix. Me, I don’t care about the distinction because it’s useless – a fix is a fix. Whether you lose weight trough changing your diet and exercising, or trough the quick-fix of a stomach reduction, as long as you shed your chubbiness, it’s fine and dandy.

When looking at the dating game, it crucial to look at the big picture. To get better at this, it will require effort and energy, it requires you to stop being a victim, to stop being in control, to move out of your comfort zone. Now you better make sure that you apply this energy in the right area, in bold moves toward you goals.

What’s the area you suck at most? Instead of thinking Diet Coke / green tea, I urge you to think of a real fix of your problems, and then take action. More concrete ideas and suggestions in later posts.

Californication, starring David Duchovny is hands down the best thing on tv right now.

”Nobody likes you, you’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you douche.”

If you’ve never seen it, may I suggest you sample its delights as soon as possible. It’s funny, extremely well written, has great music and is just very well filmed. The world would be a better place if we all looked a little more like Mr Moody. A fucked up place, but better nonetheless.

You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it’s not gentlemanly.

So well, there’s a recommendation for you. Here’s a clip if you’re still not convinced:

There’s many essential qualities that make up awesomeness. The most important one is being positive. Look what depressive people brought us: James Blunt songs and boring books. If you’re into that kind of stuff, then why don’t you go over there and compare the size of your uterus with the other girls there.

Say it with me: “I Am Awesome”. High five. Now, being positive about yourself is one thing, but being positive about everything else is just as important. Fact: girls like puppies. Why? Because they’re happy and enthusiastic about anything. The puppy mindset ™ is what you need to teach yourself as soon as possible. Any opportunity that arises, I want you to say ‘Yes!’ to. Try it, starting now, and see what happens. I guarantee you it will blow your mind.

In many areas in life, it pays off to diversify, to have backups, to have a plan B. That’s why we have two balls.

The downside of diversification is loss of focus. Working on many strategies, many projects at the same time will make all of them less powerful.

This is very true in dating. Instead of trying to remember 75 pickup lines, or getting your panties all twisted trying to think of something original to say, just find one line that works and stick with it. Polish it, perfect it, practice it – then use it till it’s broken.

And this is not only true for pickup lines. How many times has it happened that you meet someone – no matter where – you have a chat, a moment maybe… and then say goodbye and never see her again? Ehm… you forgot to ask her phone number or e-mail address. Have one line ready, one simple, true and tested line and you’ll never fail to ask for her number again.

It may seem that, as a pickup artist, you need a lot of skills. This is true – you need all of them. But you only need to know one way to do it. Start with the basics. A simple pickup line “Hi, enjoying yourself?” – well delivered, is millions better than an original one, stuttered half an hour too late. Being natural at asking: “Hmm, I’d like to call you, can I have your number?” is so much better than waiting for her to give you her number.

Once you have found one way that works, you’ll find you’ll grow in confidence and the original killer lines will come to you without effort.