youcantdate.com

A few weeks ago I was reading Outliers: The Story of Successby Malcolm Gladwell. It’s an interesting book in many ways, but of course now I want to talk about how it applies to dating.

Basically the book tries to find out why certain people have become outliers; exceptionally successful. For instance, it goes into the success of the Beatles, ice hockey players and classical musicians. Next to individual cases, the book also goes into the question why certain groups of people are especially successful – all the mayor players at computer companies, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer, are about the same age.

The most important thing they all have in common, is the amount of practice they had. The magic number that comes up time after time, is 10.000 hours of practice before anyone can become a real world-class expert. This number comes back all the time – from concert pianists to programmers.

The fact that you actually need practice, is something we seem to forget in dating. You either ‘have it’, or you don’t, and that’s it. But really, that’s nonsense – anyone can learn this, you just need to go out there and try.

“But…”, you may say – there’s definitely people to whom it seems to come naturally; they have a certain talent for making contact and flirty conversation. But think about it – how did they learn that? In my experience, these kind of people usually were brought up in some kind of circumstance that made them practice earlier on in life. Maybe their parents had lots of friends, so they met lots of new kids all the time. Maybe they travelled a lot; had long holidays or lived in a neighborhood  with a lot of different kids.

In the book, Malcolm Gladwell keeps finding these circumstances which helped someone get a lot of practice in the area in which they became successful.

So, if you want to get better in dating and meeting people, go out and practice. You will need to get out of that comfort zone and away from the computer. Find ways to meet more strangers, and practice small talk and create a conversation that is engaging for the other person.

Finally – this is a fun book to start practicing small talk:

Today I want to tell you about the thing I like best in the whole dating game, or even, what is one of my favorite things in life. And for once, this is something that is actually easy to accomplish. You may even say… it’s all you need to learn.

All too often, a pickup attempt seems forced. Or just meeting someone, calling them, asking someone out. It seems you have to do all the work, all the convincing. And at other times, it may be the other way around: someone else seems to be really into you for some reason – but you’re just not interested. Well, allright, you may go on a date, but on a certain level you’re just going trough the motions.

But every once in a while, you meet someone and it just clicks. It almost makes you believe in magic: everything just works. Talking goes effortless. You feel at ease, comfortable, but also you’re “on”. You’re funnier, more eloquent… better looking even than before. And the same seems to be happening for her: she enjoys talking to you, and she doesn’t seem to be able to stop smiling.

This, I think, is what you should aim for. Pickup is lame, and reading books on dating (or websites) is even lamer. I mean, come on: don’t you agree? But the whole point is, is to feel more comfortable, go out there and meet more people. Improve your chances of finding the girl that really suits you, where everything just works.

And wow: that makes stuff just so much easier. Stop chasing that one girl: she’s not into you, forget it. Just tell the other girl chasing you that: “sorry: it’s not going to work”. Maybe having a relationship is supposed to be hard work at times; meeting people shouldn’t be.

So there you go: search for a perfect match, search for chemistry. It should be effortless. The only thing where you really need to go out of your comfort zone is in going out there and meeting people, but not in learning pickup skills.

I love this dialogue. Kurt Russel as Stuntman Mike in Death Proof.

Not to over-analyze this stuff, but check out the story-telling, the emotional detachment (well, he is a psycho killer after all) , the ‘I know how you work’ and the challenging.

(here’s the amazon link)

Tom Waits hitting on a HOT chick at a party. Watch and learn. It does not get better than this.

(pic links to youtube video)

Waits: “You know I’m a doctor”

Waits: “I do, ah… laser hair removal, I do… acupuncture, I do… aromatherapy, that type of thing”

Waits: “Would you like something sweet?” (offers sweets) “Go ahead, take one”

Waits: “Wadda ya say we… go back to your place and eh… talk?”

Hot babe: “My roommate’s there”

Waits: “Bonus.”

Hot babe: “You’re a rascal” … winks.

Posted a new article today: How to FAIL at dating. Guys who try to get better at picking up girls usually fail because of these few reasons. My point is that if you get the important things right, the rest doesn’t really matter. Focus first on meeting more girls, be comfortable at approaching them, radiate some attractiveness, look your best, ask her phone number and call her for a date. Don’t focus too much on technique and details like “don’t call within 3 days”, “don’t ask, but demand a phone number”, “Lean-in to magically create attraction”, and all that shit.

Those things may make some sense, but it makes much more sense, and will get you much more results if you first get the basics right. Then you can either forget about the details and just do you thing (which I recommend), or go all out and read every pickup book ever written.

This post is about one of the worst things you can see happening in a club: the dancing boy circle. It happens when some guys go to the dancefloor, and since they didn’t approach any girls, start dancing, talking together… which creates the most horrible thing in pickup. I drew you a picture:

Now imagine how it comes across to one of the girls when one of the guys goes up to them for a chat. “Oh right, he finally mustered the courage to come up to me, encouraged by his friends”. You start with -10 points, guaranteed.

There’s two things you can do if, for some reason, you end up in a DBC. One: open up the DBC by chatting to some girls – while you’re in the DBC. Two: leave, take a walk around, and then approach a girl (so you’re not directly coming from the group.

Best of course is to make sure you never end up in a DBC, but still.

Here’s a new trick to learn today. When talking to girls, start paying attention to IOI’s. What’s an IOI – here’s an excerpt from “The Game” by Neil Strauss.

“What I do is, I look for IOIs. An IOI is an indicator of interest. If she asks you what your name is, that’s an IOI. If she asks you if you’re single, that’s an IOI. If you take her hands and squeeze them, and she squeezes back, that’s an IOI. And as soon as I get three IOIs, I phase-shift. I don’t even think about it. It’s like a computer program.”

Taking notice of when a girl takes interest in you, is an important habit. It’s basically a way to measure your success with a certain girl – and being able to measure success is critical to learning any new skill, right?

The rule laid down in “The Game” is that three IOI’s mean that it’s time to take the next step – ask her out, get a phone number, etc – you have establised attraction. Of course, the rules aren’t that strict, duh, but if you’ve received zero IOI’s, you’re most likely to fail when you try to move on – and also, it won’t ‘feel’ right. Pay attention to this stuff and make it a new habit – it’ll improve your game a lot.